


A Platypus and A Spider-Pig Walk Into a Bar. What Crimes Will They Prevent?

by one_true_houselight



Series: Phineas and Ferb go Into the Spiderverse [1]
Category: Phineas and Ferb, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Adult!Spider-Ham, Anxiety, Fear, Gen, He meets Perry, Panic Attacks, Phineas and Ferb are nerds with Peni NATURALLY, Spider-Ham winds up in Phineas and Ferb's dimension!, They have fun, Trans!Perry, fun times, give perry therapy, i have fun, ok, perry uses ASL, this is probably gonna be a series lmao, welcome to crack fic, what will happen?, will add other characters after next chapter is published
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:27:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26980618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/one_true_houselight/pseuds/one_true_houselight
Summary: Due to some dimensional shenanigans, Spider-Ham crashes into Phineas and Ferb's backyard!
Series: Phineas and Ferb go Into the Spiderverse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1969045
Comments: 5
Kudos: 54





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! My name's Erika! I write crack for a living; not for money, mind you, but for something more valuable: serotonin. 
> 
> There should be one more chapter in this fic, and I might write a series of short (ish) stories in this crossover because it's FUN
> 
> A lot of my SpiderVerse world building comes from my fic I reached through worlds to find your hand, so if it intrigues you/you want more spiderverse from me, go check that and my other SV fics out!
> 
> Enjoy!

Phineas and Ferb were making some final adjustments on their newest invention when Isabella walked through the gate. 

"What'cha doin'?"

"We've been getting some weird readings over the past few months, and we've determined it seems to come from some kind of alternate dimension, so we're trying to tap into them," explained Phineas, gesturing with a wrench. Ferb stood up from behind the large structure, flipping up a welding mask and giving a thumbs up. "Looks like you're just in time, Isabella!"

"I'm always on time for you, Phineas," she replied dreamilly. 

"What was that?"

"Nothing!" The three kids gathered around the controls as Ferb punched some buttons, and watched as it lit up, melodic beeps echoing through the backyard. 

"Hey, what are you two doing?" Candace poked her head out from the house, just in time to witness the two antennas on top of the machine spark to life, and start creating some kind of viscous, black material that floated in the air. 

"Uh, that's not supposed to-" As Phineas was checking readings, pink and cyan bubbles appeared, quickly coalescing into an open circle. 

"Should we be worried?" asked Isabella, slowly backing up. 

"Yeah, maybe." A blast of force came from the circle, throwing the three younger kids back, Candace only managing to stay standing by grabbing the door. After a few seconds of this, a small red object came flying out of the circle (portal?), narrowly missing a newly sitting up Ferb. The portal snapped shut, and the red object groaned. 

Candace slowly looked around. "Oh, you two are so-wait. Why is there a pig in a Spider-Man costume?" 

Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella turned to see that the red object was, indeed, a small, anthropomorphic pig dressed like Spider-Man. 

"That _definitely_ wasn't supposed to happen," said Phineas. "Who are you?"

The pig sat up, clearly confused. "This is not the 1930s." The kids, quite frankly, did not know how to respond to that. "I'm Spider-Ham, what the hell did you do to my portal?"

"I'm not entirely sure. Our machine wasn't supposed to open any kind of portal, it was just supposed to get readings, maybe send a message." 

Spider-Ham huffed. "Well, good job, you built quite a machine there. If you'll excuse me, I have an appointment." He pulled out a small, round device and pushed a few buttons before holding it up, where nothing proceeded to happen. "Oh, come on," he muttered, hitting the side of the device with his hand before holding it up again. Nothing. 

"Is that supposed to open another...portal?" asked Isabella. 

"Yep. Shoot." He started to type something longer. "I hope the chat still...yes!" He looked up. "Well kids, it looks like I might be staying here a bit longer. Mind seeing if your machine can help get me back?"

Before Phineas could respond, Candace marched up. "Their machine isn't gonna be doing anything, weird, knock-off, spider pig."

"Just cuz I'm from a different dimension doesn't make me a knock off, though I am good at knocking things off," said Spider-Ham, reaching behind him and producing a hammer seemingly out of thin air. 

"Whoa whoa whoa," exclaimed Phineas, running between his sister and an increasingly violent pig. "Dude, that's our sister, she's just trying to keep us safe. Candace, maybe don't call strangers knock-offs."

"Especially one with a giant hammer," muttered Spider-Ham, but he did store the hammer away, much to everyone's relief. 

"Fine, but I'm still telling mom." Candace spun around and walked inside, already dialing her phone. 

Spider-Ham adjusted his suit. "I guess I'll go try and find someone else who can help-"

"Oh, don't worry about her. Like I said, she just wants us to be safe, but she can go a little overboard sometimes. We can help you out."

"Alright, if you're sure. Let me just text Noir, and then I'll get you in a chat with Peni, she's the one who really gets this stuff."

"Who's Noir? Or Peni?"

"Spiders from other dimensions. Noir is from a black and white 1930s, and Peni from a future."

"Oh, of course," said Isabella. Ham either missed her sarcasm or was ignoring it. "I'm surprised you don't think we're too young to help you."

Ham snorted. "Peni is 13. Half our crew are hyper-capable children, I am _very_ used to being surrounded by kids half my age who know more than me." He finished texting and handed the device to Phineas. "That's a private chat with her. Now, I am going to go sit down, sudden new dimensions always turn my stomach a bit." He wandered off towards the tree, sitting around the other side to stay in the shade. 

Phineas looked down at the small device and typed, **Hi! I’m Phineas, and I’m here with my brother Ferb, and our friend Isabella. How can we help?**

A response came quickly. **hi Phineas. Can you start by giving me the specs of your build? That’ll let me know what our jumping off point is.**

Ferb and Isabella went to go find their blueprints as Phineas started typing. The day has certainly taken a turn, but that was what made summer so fantastic. 

~~~~~~

Perry checked the time as he finished eating, and was pleased to see he was still good on time before he was expected at headquarters. He went outside, scanning the backyard so he could plan his covert exit. He duly examined Phineas and Ferb’s newest machine, noting that the construction was as neat as always…but there was something else, some sense of familiarity. He didn’t think they were repeating something, but it had been quite a summer. 

After a final check, he walked over to a secret lever, pushed it, and sidled around the tree, where a door had just opened. He hopped up on his back legs, donned his fedora, and dove in, hearing it shut behind him. As he slid down, he wondered what Doofenshmirtz was up to today. 

Those wonderings, however, were cut off as he approached the end of the chute. He heard a voice he didn’t recognize coming from below, and before he could react, he was careening out of the tube right at a pig sitting in his chair. 

He chattered, and the pig looked up, screamed, and dove out of the way. Perry landed neatly in his chair, only to immediately hop up and face the intruder. It was indeed a pig, but he seemed to be dressed in a Spider-Man costume. _Had Spider-Man gotten turned into a pig somehow?_ That theory, however, was undercut by the ludicrously large hammer the pig was wielding. 

Before Perry could do anything but get into a fighting stance, the pig yelled, “Who are you? Why did the tree open? I thought animals were just, ya know, animals here!” Perry stared. This pig was speaking English. Which was a point in the ‘Spider-Man got turned into a pig’ theory, but it meant that his normal chatters wouldn’t do; most animals were able to communicate on at least a basic level here, despite different sounds. He chattered anyway, hoping maybe his meaning of ‘I’m Perry, are you Spider-Man?’ came across. 

“What?” At that point, Major Monogram appeared on the screen. 

"Good Morning Agent-Great Googly Moogly, we have an intruder! Carl!"

Sirens started blaring as the pig turned to the screen. "Intruder? I fell in here!" At that point, Perry had collected himself enough to tackle the pig. "Oh for the love of-" The pig let his hammer fall and held his hands up as much as he could, given the circumstances. "Hey! Look, can we just talk about this?"

"You're the one who had a giant hammer pointed at our agent," pointed out Monogram. Perry chattered in agreement. 

"Ok, yes, fine. I was just confused! One second, I'm sitting under a very nice tree, next thing I know, I tumbling down some chute, I end up here, then this guy," he said, gesturing his head at Perry, "falls on top of me and just starts making noises at me! What do you want a superhero to do?"

"A superhero? Are you Spider-Man?" Monogram looked disappointed. "I would think Nick Fury would have let me know. I thought we had a good repertoire."

"I think you have a different definition of repertoire, sir," said Carl as he came into view. Perry rolled his eyes. 

"Is it normally like this? Because all this is why I don't work for an agency," said the pig. Perry glared at him. "Not helping? Fair enough."

"Wait," said Carl, peering down at Perry and the pig. "Is that Spider-Ham?"

"Carl, that pun is horrific. It might even be-"

"No, that is my name." Monogram and Perry stared at the pig. "How did you know, kid?"

"There was a weird Spider-Man spin off comic, I'm the only person I know who actually read it. Why are you dressed like him?"

"I'm not dressed like him, I _am_ him. Look, I'm from another dimension, the kids up there accidentally pulled me here, and then it looks like I accidentally got into your base." Perry looked at Monogram and chattered. 

"I think we can let him go for now, yes." Spider-Ham looked between Perry and Monogram as Perry helped him up. 

"Oh, I didn't realize that was a language...sorry for calling it noises before." Perry shrugged. 

"With my job as head of a department of secret agent animals, it is imperative I learn to understand their various dialects," said Monogram. "Anyway, if you don't mind, I need to brief Agent P on his mission. We'll see about sending you-"

"Mission?" Spider-Ham looked excited. "Can I come? Those kids seem nice and all, but I'll get antsy sitting in that backyard." 

Monogram looked hesitant. "Well, we do always support inter-departmental cooperation here…" He looked down at Perry. "Do you mind, Agent P?" Perry shook his head. "Alright then. Well, our sources have told us that Doofenshmirtz has been doing intensive research into how mayoral elections work, which can only mean he's plotting against his brother again. Go get 'em, Agent P...and Spider-uh-Spider-Ham." Perry gave a salute, and saw Spider-Ham give one with a peace sign out of the corner of his eye. 

Once Monogram disappeared from the screen, Perry walked over to his hover jet and gestured at it. Spider-Ham raised an eyebrow. "Is everything platypus-themed here?" Perry nodded. Spider-Ham chuckled a bit, then said, "Um. You've got an expressive face and everything, but is there another way we can communicate?"

Perry thought for a second, then signed, _Do you know ASL?_

Spider-Ham nodded. "I'm better at understanding it than singing, but I'm proficient, yeah. Friendly neighborhood Spider-Ham, and all." 

_Great. Let's go, I'll tell you about Doof on the way_ Spider-Ham hopped into the passenger seat, and Perry took, switching on auto-pilot so he could safely sign. He explained quickly that his nemesis was an evil scientist, his brother was the mayor, and that caused strife, hence the mission. _Honestly don't worry too much,_ he signed with a slight grin, _he's not too dangerous, especially with both of us. Just let him talk for a bit._

"Gotta let the villain report happen, gotcha." As they kept flying, Ham noticed that the dashboard was clear except for two personal effects: a family portrait of the kids from the house, seemingly their parents, and Perry (though he seemed to be acting like a 'normal' platypus); and a small trans flag. "So you're those kids' pet?" Perry nodded. "It looks like you care about them a lot."

_They're my family_

"That's good. It's a shame they can't know about your gig here." The comment reminded Perry about his own inter-dimension hopping, and he realized that was why Phineas and Ferb's invention had looked familiar: it was strikingly similar to the inator Dr. Doofenshmirtz had built that had almost ended the world. That must have been how Spider-Ham had gotten here…

He took a breath to calm himself. Spider-Ham hadn't reacted to Doof's name in the briefing, which meant he wasn't from _that_ dimension. He still wasn't a fan about his family playing with things like that again (though they had, of course, forgotten the first time), but from what Ham had said, they had some guidance and should be safe. 

Should was not something that Perry liked to rely on, especially when Phineas, Ferb, and even Candace was concerned, but he knew it would have to do. 

Soon enough, they arrived at 

**Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!**

and Perry went to-

"Wait, wait, wait," said Ham. "What was that?"

_What was what?_

"The weird theme song for the building?" Perry stared at him, clearly confused. "Ohhhh, I think I get it. I have like, a half step more meta knowledge than you. Carry on."

Perry continued staring as he signed, _Those words were clearly meant to mean something._

"Don't worry about it, cartoons get weird. Let's go fight a dude." Perry shrugged and flew into Doofenshmirtz's building. 

He jumped out of the car, closely followed by Spider-Ham, and looked around for his nemesis. 

“Perry the Platypus! Your arrival is-" Dr. Doofenshmirtz had appeared from around the corner, his full swing interrupted by the sight of Spider-Ham. "Who are you?"

"Spider-Ham. Here to help Agent P."

"You talk."

"Yep." There was a long pause. "Don't let me disrupt things, go on and do your thing."

Doof huffed, finally retrieving his train of thought. "Anyway," he started, sending a glare at Spider-Ham, "come have a seat so I can explain my evil scheme." He gestured to a couch whose pattern, had it been able to speak, would have been loudly shout-singing Dancing Queen. Perry stared at it as if it was, in fact, doing this. "Oh, do you like the design? I bought it on Ebay, I've been on a bit of "The Bay" kick."

Spider-Ham snorted at that, and he and Perry went and sat down. Without warning, the couch violently reclined, then folded in half like a malfunctioning beach chair, effectively trapping the two heroes. Perry gave Ham a look that clearly said 'see what I mean?'

"It's a good thing I got a trap that fit two. Now that you're comfortable, it's backstory time!" Dr. Doofenshmirtz pulled up a stool and launched into the usual more than a little concerning story of his past, sending the group into a dull-toned flashback. 

Spider-Ham leaned over to Perry, saying, "Do flashbacks normally work for you?"

Perry worked his arms free to sign _sometimes_ with a shrug. 

"Interesting. I've decided on the spot to do some cartoon meta research while I'm-wait, if you can get your arms out, why are you just sitting here?" Perry, who had put his arms back in the sofa, gestured at Doof with his head, who was still knee deep in a flashback, and raised his eyebrows. "I guess that's fair."

They focused back at Doofenshmirtz, who was finishing his story. "And now he's the mayor! Can you believe that?" Perry didn't react, which didn't seem to deter Doof in the slightest. "So that's why when I was on "The Bay" and saw this, I knew that, with the addition of my own evil machinations, it would be the perfect thing to take over the Tristate Area!" He pulled a remote from his lab coat and pressed a button. A door behind him rolled open, and a large, metal man walked in, eyes glowing red. "Behold, The Terminator!" 

Perry's eyes widened. He vividly remembered Phineas and Ferb sneaking downstairs and accidentally watching (and becoming irreparable terrified of) Terminator a few years prior, and the fact that his nemesis was seemingly about to release something scarily similar made his blood run cold. 

"I thought you said this guy wasn't that serious!" hissed Spider-Ham. Rather than respond, Perry pulled himself free from the couch and leapt at the robot. "I perhaps should have paid more attention to the backstory," sighed Ham, who then proceeded to unceremoniously tear his half of the couch apart to escape. 

"Really? You're going to come as a guest, and rip my couch apart?" Doof stormed over to where Spider-Ham was brushing stuffing from his suit. "At least Perry the Platypus had the decency to just wiggle out."

"My joints weren't a fan of 'just wiggling out'-"

"How old are you?"

"Can you save your rude questions for after I've helped Perry fight the killer robot?" He and Doof looked over at where Perry was barely managing to avoid getting crushed by the Terminator. Doof looked back at Ham, clearly confused. 

"Killer robot?"

"Yeah! It's Arnold Schwarzenegger metal skeleton!"

"The former mayor of California has a metal skeleton?" Ham face palmed, then ran towards the fight. "Wait, I'm still confused about the killer robot? I don't want to kill Roger."

"Then WHY did you buy and build a Terminator?" Before Doof could respond, Perry stumbled, and the Terminator grabbed him, yanking off the floor so he was at its eye level. Ham muttered something that couldn't be aired on Disney and swung to kick the robot. 

Ignoring the assault, the Terminator opened its mouth wide and…

"I wish to talk with you about the Danville Constitution. In Article 7, it says that any elected official must have a maximum term of 3 months. This means…" The mouth remained open, playing the speech from a speaker. Perry stared into the mouth, clearly not sure what to do. 

"See? It's a Term-Inator, meant to create misinformation about term limits so Roger is removed from office! I end all my creations with Inator, it's a branding thing."

"Oh, for Pete's sake." Ham shot a web at one of the Term-Inator's arms and pulled, loosening it's hold enough to allow Perry to free himself. Perry immediately reached into its mouth and yanked the speaker out, sending out a shower of sparks. He hopped down, kicking it in the knee, as Spider-Ham webbed it to the ground. Ham dropped down from the rafters and held out his fist to Perry, who looked at it for a moment before carefully returning the fist bump. 

Doof was trying to restart his machine to no avail. "Curse you Perry-" He was stopped by Perry pulling on his lab coat sleeve. "What do you want?" Perry walked over to the computer in the corner and typed something in before spinning it to show Doofenshmirtz. "A 1984 movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Terminator-ohhhh. That's why you two looked so worried." Perry rolled his eyes. 

Spider-Ham dusted his hands off. "Well, I guess we'll leave you to your film research, Dr. D. How're we getting out of here, Perry?" Perry walked over to the edge of the balcony and deployed his hang glider. Ham looked at it and said, "You're agency really does have theming down, don't they." As Perry went to adjust the harness to fit someone else, Ham waved his hand. "I'll just swing, if it's all the same to you. It'll be more covert." Perry shrugged, tipped his hat, and jumped into the wind, Spider-Ham close behind. 

"Oh yeah, curse you Perry the Platypus, and pig with the weirdly functional Spider-Man costume!"

~~~~~~~~~~

Phineas was working on some soldering when he looked around the backyard and realized something. "Hey, has anyone seen Spider-Ham?" Ferb shook his head from atop their machine. "Well, I hope he comes back when we get this up and running. Peni said the portal may not stay for long once it's open." Phineas and Ferb were thoroughly enjoying getting to work with Peni, and were trying to find a good balance between 'working to get her friend back to his dimension' and 'asking detailed questions about her mech'. They were mostly succeeding. 

Isabella walked into the backyard holding a tube with industrial tongs, followed by a few of the other Fireside Girls in hazmat suits. "We just earned our 'Extracting Rare Metals' patch! It's gonna be hard to fill out the paperwork without the name though."

Phineas pulled out his own set of tongs and grabbed the tube. "Yeah, it could potentially cause a split in the timeline if we knew what this was called this early."

"And I already earned my 'Fixing the Timeline' patch." The kids got to work finishing the new upgrades, occasionally sending Peni updates. They had set it up so that her messages could come through on their machine, 'just in case we weakened the walls of your dimension enough to cause future problems' according to her. Isabella was slightly worried how interested Phineas was in theorizing what kind of inter-dimensional problem could occur. 

As they were approaching completion, they heard a web thwip it's way onto the tree, closely followed by Spider-Ham. He landed neatly in the yard and announced, without prompting, "I was just doing some stuff. How are you?"

"We're alright. Almost done with this," said Phineas, pointing at the machine, which was humming merrily. "You can have your thing back too!" Phineas held it out to Ham, who took it gratefully. "Did you get a chance to meet our platypus?"

"Nope. Definitely not. Didn't even know you could keep platypi as pets, wasn't aware, nope."

Isabella and Phineas stared at Ham. "Is it...weird that we have a pet?"

"What?" said Ham. "No, no, it's fine. I get the difference." He then smiled, and the kids decided that whatever he wasn't telling them was not worth digging for. "You said you were close to done?"

"Yep! Just a few more adjustments." Phineas looked up at Ferb for confirmation, and he gave a thumbs up. Ham returned the thumbs up, then started typing on his device. 

Soon enough, the machine was ready. Peni sent a message, **you all should hold on to something. Go ahead and start it up.**

Everyone besides Ham held onto something as Phineas typed in the necessary commands. "Here goes nothing! It was nice to meet you, Spider-Ham."

"Good to meet you too, kid. I don't know if we'll ever see each other again."

"That's the fun part!" Phineas smiled, and pressed the last button. 

~~~~~~~~

Perry had taken some time to cruise around a little, trying to stay away from the house and its current dimensional hijinks to help keep his anxiety down. It had been interesting fighting with Spider-Ham; it wasn't his first time fighting with superheroes, but he didn't get many chances to have conversations with new creatures, so that had been nice. He was more excited to see his family in one piece, though, so he turned his glider towards home. 

He tapped into a hidden camera to see which way he should enter the backyard, and saw that it looked like they were about to fire up the machine. Good times, especially because it meant everyone was focused in one direction. He angled himself to come at them from behind, where he would tuck and roll and emerge, back in pet mode. 

As he came in for the landing, however, something started buffeting his glider. He looked around, wondering where the sudden wind was coming from. Before he could make the right adjustments, his glider was ripped from him, and he was careening towards the ground. He fumbled for his parachute, backyard in sight, when he saw that he wasn't just being randomly pulled; there was a large, glowing circle in the backyard, and he was being sucked right into it. He tried for a second to get out of the inexorable pull, but it was too late. 

He watched as the backyard vanished, and he was spinning through a world of color and bright strands of light. 

~~~~~~~~

Peter Porker arrived back in his house, and was pleased that he'd managed to land on his feet. He stretched a little bit, and-

_WHAM_ Something ran into his back at speed, and they both went flying across the room into his couch. "What?" He turned around to see a portal closing, and to see a familiar teal shape laying on the floor, groaning. "Perry?" The platypus waved and chattered. "Are you ok?"

Perry, still on the floor, signed, _I've felt worse._

"Yeah, that's unexpected dimensional travel for you. Let me make some calls."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh! Perry's in Ham's dimension now!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, welcome to the newest installment of 'Getting all my fave characters therapy'. Have fun!

Perry had dragged himself to the couch when Ham came back with a glass of water. "How're you feeling?" 

Perry's head was still spinning, but the nausea had subsided pretty quickly. _Better_ , he signed, accepting the water. After taking a sip, he had a thought, quickly signing, _Has someone told Phineas and Ferb?_

"Yeah, Peni did. She's our dimensional expert. Perry, look." Ham sat on the edge of his coffee table, pulling his mask off. "We're gonna start working to get you home, but it's gonna take longer, Peni can explain better. But…" Ham paused, clearly choosing his words carefully. "Look, just know we're gonna try to get you back as quickly as possible." Perry knew Ham wasn't telling him something, but he was pretty sure he would tell him when it needed to be said. He was pretty sure he'd be equally worried, regardless...

At that moment, black blobs appeared across the room. Perry scrambled off the sofa and hid behind it, eyes wide. His fingers clung to the sofa, thinking _I can't get pulled farther away._ Ham looked over at the sound. "Oh, this is Peni coming over. It won't drag you in." Perry stood up a little, still clutching the couch. Ham looked at him, a little bit of worry in his eyes, but Perry just watched bright pinks and cyans materialize among the black. Soon, they all turned into a shining circle, through which a young girl appeared. Sure enough, there was no force, and the girl (presumably Peni) hopped through, carrying a few devices.

"Hey Ham. Hey-" Peni looked at Perry, head tilted in confusion. "Are you Perry?" He nodded. "Phineas said you were a pet." He nodded again.

"He's a secret agent," offered Ham. 

Peni opened her mouth, then thought for a second. "I suppose we can't really judge that." She shrugged, then dumped the machinery she was carrying on the coffee table. "You sure it's ok I work here?"

"Yeah! I've got to do my rounds anyway." Ham looked over at Perry. "You want to come? Repay the favor?" He said the last part with a wink, and Perry returned a weak smile. 

Perry looked over to Peni and signed, _Nice to meet you._

Peni waved. "You too!" Perry stood up and looked to Ham, who seemed to be contemplating something. 

"Usually I swing around the city, but I don't think that'll work."

"Use your bike," called Peni, who was back in her dimension collecting supplies.

"Oh! That's a good idea-wait, how do you know about my bike? I never use it."

"I helped you repair it, like a year ago? I had a nightmare, and you shoved some cartoon bike monstrosity in my face."

"I was trying to help!"

"I never said you didn't!" Peni grinned as she stepped back through the portal, more machinery in her arms. Ham rolled his eyes and pulled his mask back down, but not before Perry saw the matching grin on his face. For some reason, the idea that banter existed here, as silly as it was, made Perry feel better. 

Ham stretched a little, then said, "Alright Perry, we're losing daylight!" He walked to the back door, and Perry raised his eyebrows. "What? You think I'm just gonna wander out of my front door, full getup? C'mon, you should know better than that." Perry figured that was fair, and followed Ham outside into a small forest. 

After walking for a bit, Perry signed, _Bike?_

"Oh, I stash it in these woods closer to the city. Don't have a fancy garage like some spiders apparently get. We're close." They walked a little more. "You doing ok? You've had quite a day."

Perry thought for a second. He generally wasn't very talkative, even when he had the ability to do so. He didn't know if it was just how he was, or the fact that he didn't get a lot of chances to talk to anyone; his family didn't know he had thoughts, let alone ones to share, Doofenshmirtz didn't know platypus or ASL, and work was...work, he supposed. He did have acquaintances, yes, but he was usually content to listen, or spend time in companionable silence. 

But Ham was right. This day had been something, and that was without poking the anxiety that came from earlier that summer. And usually, when he felt worried, or tense, or frightened to his very core, like he was now, he had things to do about it. He could fight a bad person, or disassemble an inator, or, or… _something_. But right now, all he could do was wait, knowing that his family was getting embroiled in something big, and he was, at least for the moment, powerless to change anything. 

So he told the story. It was the concise version (he was, after all, still who he was), but he did include the fear. About watching the Platyborg turn towards the boys, about watching Danville's sky fill with Norm-bots, about how even though he didn't really get nightmares anymore, he still checked his security cams when he was out on a mission, just to make sure nothing had gone wrong again...

He finished, and Ham looked pensive. "I didn't realize you had some experience with this...seeing alternate yous, especially in bad situations, can be difficult. I mean, I saw an alternate me _die_ , it's-" Perry had stopped dead in his tracks, and Ham looked back, confused. "Perry?"

Perry's thoughts were racing, repeating _I failed. That world was my fault. It could happen again. I almost hurt them._ He realized, vaguely, that these weren't new thoughts, not by a long shot, but he had desperately hid them with a determination to protect his family, to not fail them again…

"Perry, hey, hey, come back down." Ham had a hand on his shoulder, and was talking, quickly and quietly, and Perry slowly came back to the present. "It's gonna be ok. Can you tell me what's the biggest thing in your head right now? Break it down."

Perry, using the slight pressure of Ham's hand to keep him anchored, finally signed, _My fault._

Ham nodded thoughtfully. "Ok. Here's the thing. I hate to be rude to someone I've only just meant, and you seem nice, but you are one hundred percent wrong. Sorry to break it to ya." Perry looked up, confusion pushing away some of the fog. Ham's tone had been almost flippant, but it sobered as he continued, "Look. I know that other Perry looked a lot like you. He acted a lot like you, may have even thought a little like you. But that was not you. The thing you've got to understand is that in order for there to be different dimensions, things _have_ to be different, or else a new dimension wouldn't be there. And if one thing is different, it cascades through everything else, even small changes! And, from what you told me, that was no small change.

"And then we get to another thing. The you that exists? Here and now? You cannot try to pull perfection out of him. It doesn't exist. The world's best scientists have tried to find perfection, and the closest they've gotten is finding the impenetrable wall so many of us bash our heads against, desperately reaching for it. Everything you do to protect the people you love? Is good! Is worth it! And not because you're perfect, but because you're not, and you still put yourself into the world, doing what you think is right. And that will protect you from anxiety better than any self-imposed performance review will."

As Ham talked, Perry found his breath again. It had been a while since the ground had threatened to tip under his feet like that, and he was relieved that his balance was coming back. He quietly signed _Thank you_ and shook the tension from his shoulders. 

"You still feel up to coming with me?"

Perry nodded emphatically. _I need to do something._

"Alright. The bike should be up here." They walked just a few minutes more, and Ham uncovered a blue and red motorbike. He poked at it for a bit, then said, "It should be ok. I try to keep the battery charged, just in case." He hopped up, and gestured for Perry to join him. Once Perry was positioned, Ham rode off, quickly reaching the city streets. 

He adjusted one of his mirrors so he could see Perry if he signed anything, then explained, "So this is just general rounds to make sure nothing is going wrong. We don't have a particular mission, unless we get a call on here." He tapped a screen on the bike. "I have an earpiece too, so-" At that moment, the screen flashed, words scrolling across. 

**Kidnapping reported, Green Gobbler, all units**

"Oh fun, this'll be a good one!" Ham made a sharp turn, causing Perry to cling to the bike, and they sped further into the city. Ham stopped a few blocks from a building that was collecting cop cars. "Alright, probably best we go on foot, go around the back." He stashed the bike in an alley, and Perry followed him as he made his way to the back. 

The two looked up, and Perry noticed an open window about halfway up the building. He pointed at it, and Ham nodded. Before anymore could be said, Perry pulled out his grappling hook, shot it, and started climbing. "Sweet!" Ham shot a web, and they both made it to the window, peering in at what looked like a break room. It was empty, and Ham hopped in. As Perry went to do the same, he saw the floor panel Ham landed on depress just a little. Perry's eyes widened, and he unthinkingly chattered a warning. Ham turned, but before Perry could do anything, the walls of the room fell apart, and Ham was grabbed by a large, mechanical arm. Perry ducked down, barely able to see as Ham was pulled upward, shouting curses at the arm. 

Perry listened, and when the whirring stopped, he counted to five, just to be sure. Then, he looked up, grabbed his grappling hook, and started climbing. As he quickly checked windows, he felt his mind racing, but in a good way. He _knew_ how to do this, even in this dimension. He listened and watched and climbed, finally finding a small office with the window barely cracked, as if someone had forgotten to close it. He wedged it open and shimmied in, the faint sound of crashing machinery echoing from the hall. He carefully made his way across the room, but it seemed this villain hadn't thought to set another trap, at least not here. 

Perry snuck along the corridor, checking the corners, following the sounds until, along with the clanging, he heard grandiose shouting. As he hurried towards it, a different voice piped up, the sarcastic tones unmistakable. He grinned, then reached the door, stopping to listen. The grandiose voice (the Green Gobbler, he assumed) was speaking. 

"You see, Spider-Ham, I knew if I kidnapped someone from your precious Daily Beagle, you would come right to me! And then you would be the first victim of my latest invention...The Term-ite-inator!"

Perry stared at the door, through which he heard, "Really? Weird dimensional shift."

"What?"

"Never mind. Do I get to know what this thing does before it causes my demise?" 

"Yes! It-" At that point, Perry decided it was as good a time as any, and broke down the door. Inside, he saw Ham, still trapped in a mechanical arm, a large green turkey in a purple suit, and a goat tied up in a corner. In the middle of the room was a familiar metal skeleton, only instead of being human, it was a large ant. 

The Green Gobbler looked flabbergasted. "Who the hell are you? And why are you green too?" In response, Perry ran forward and jumped into a flying kick, knocking the Green Gobbler backward. 

"Hey!" Ham called. "There's a release button on the wall by Ste-the goat!" Perry dodged a wing attack and looked over, finding a large green button on the wall. 

"Is this creature with you?" Perry stomped on the Gobbler's foot, and used the screeching distraction to take his hat and whip it at the button. He leapt up as the hat hit its target, punched the turkey in the throat, and landed just in time to catch his hat. A hiss and a soft thud indicated that Ham had been freed. 

"Nice job, Agent P! Can you go get Steve? I've got it from here." Ham saluted and leapt up, swinging around the Green Gobbler, who furiously pecked at him. Perry nodded and ran over to the goat and removed the rope from his mouth, then started untying him. 

"Oh! Hello there. I don't think we've met." Perry shook his head. "Um. Thanks for the assist. Would it be rude to ask why you _are_ green?" Perry shrugged. It seemed that platypi were not teal here. He finished untying Steve just as a mechanical whining started behind them. 

He turned to see the Term-ite-inator powering up, shaking and spitting, eyes glowing red. Ham knocked the remote from the Green Gobbler's hand, and it sailed towards Perry. The ant's mouth opened as Perry caught the remote, and a low tone started to emit from a speaker inside. "You're too late," cackled the Green Gobbler, dodging a web from Ham. "With this machine, I will control all the termites, and lay waste to the institutions of this city! And I will take my rightful place as ruler over you peons!" 

"This plan must have been eating away at you, huh?" 

"Oh that was bad, even for you, Spider-Ham."

"What can I say," huffed Ham, finally getting a web around the Green Gobbler's wings. "I _really_ don't like termites." Perry looked down at the remote while Ham wrapped up his nemesis. A large red button that read STOP seemed promising, so he pressed it. The Term-ite-inator started sputtering, the tone sliding up and down in pitch. After a few seconds, it finally died, the whole body slumping over. 

"No! You figured out my extremely sophisticated remote!"

"You know what your problem is? You underestimate people," Ham said, pulling tight on the web. "Just 'cuz that serum you use makes you super smart doesn't mean you're better, ya know?"

"But my intelligence!"

"Yeah, yeah. You took a serum that made you a white man on the internet."

"What?"

"Nothing, different dimension thing." Ham hopped down and walked over to Perry and Steve. "Ready to get out of here?"

"Oh yes," said Steve, straightening his jacket. "I must be getting back to the Beagle." Ham nodded and led the group out of the room to the stairs. Eventually, they made it outside, and Steve was turned over to an EMT crew. 

A few officers walked up to Ham and Perry. "Ham! What the hell happened?"

Ham pointed at the building. "Green Gobbler. He will be more than happy to tell you himself."

The officer huffed. "You know how I feel about that, Ham."

"Yep! Unfortunately, I have to go actually protect the city. Besides, I have a guest." Without warning, Ham's hand shot out, grabbed Perry, and suddenly they were swinging away, wind threatening to steal Perry's hat. 

They swung a few blocks, taking turns, before landing near where they stashed the bikes. Ham let Perry go, who immediately leaned against the wall, eyes wide. "Sorry about that, didn't want to get dragged into another debate. Speaking of someone who thinks they're better than everyone else…" Ham snorted, and went and retrieved the bike. "We should be close to done, there's usually only one big thing a day. Almost like it was a show, or something." He chuckled, and let Perry hop up on the bike before heading off. 

~~~

Perry was laying on the couch that evening, reading a book he'd found on the coffee table. He and Ham had gotten back without incident, as he'd predicted, and Ham had changed into street clothes and started helping Peni. Perry felt the calmest he had since being dragged into this dimension, which he was thankful for. 

"Perry, Phineas and Ferb say hi," said Peni, looking at a display. He gave a thumbs up, which Ham acknowledged. A beeping sound came from Ham and Peni's pendants, which Perry had learned was how they controlled their portals. Ham checked his and nodded. 

"B's coming over with food and MJ in a sec."

"Sweet!"

"I'll open the portal. Perry, portal opening." Perry nodded and focused on his breathing. Whether the breathing helped or he was just getting used to it, the glowing circle did not send him into the panic he'd felt before. An older man with brown hair and a broken nose stepped through, holding a casserole dish. He was followed by a red-haired woman holding a notepad. Both greeted Peni and Ham, and waved at Perry. 

"Thanks for making food for tonight, B."

"No problem. Wanted to make sure everyone stayed fed, you know how we get." Ham hopped up and followed B to his kitchen, the two chatting about something out of ear shot. MJ went over and sat down next to Peni, who started explaining what she was doing, MJ occasionally taking notes. The technical talk was a little bit above Perry's pay grade for the day, so he went into the kitchen. 

"An Instant Pot looks like a Crock Pot, no one will notice. It'll make your life so much easier."

"B, I cook enough that someone _will_ notice. I did some research, and-" Ham turned to see that Perry had entered the kitchen. "Oh, hey Perry. This is B. He's the old spider."

"Hey!"

Ham snickered as Perry quickly signed, _Nice to meet you,_. 

"You too. Now, I will be ignoring that very hateful comment-"

"It wasn't hateful! It was said with love!"

"-in order to make you explain the 'research' you conducted. Are you going to invent an Instant Pot, or whatever it'll be called here? In-Snake Pot? Instant Rat?"

"Those names are ridiculous. It would still be Instant Pot, but the A is capitalized. InstAnt Pot."

B sighed, dragging a hand through his hair. He glanced at Perry and muttered, "I hate this dimension sometimes." Perry smiled a little. "So, Ham gave us all the short version, but I want to hear your story. Secret Agent? Sounds cooler than whatever I am." Perry looked incredulous. "Ah, 'Superhero' is played out. But Secret Agent? That's _cool_."

"Ah yes. B, the arbiter of cool."

"I can take this food away, you know." Ham grinned, and started getting out plates. Perry started telling his story, about OWCA, Doofenshmirtz, his family...at some point a plate was given to him, and everyone moved out to be in the living room with Peni and MJ. Ham jumped in after a little bit, talking about his time in the TryState Area, and there was much speculation about the Terminator theme there and here. It didn't feel like long, but after Ham stretched and looked at the clock, Perry realized they'd been chatting for an hour, and that night was truly falling in this dimension. 

"I've got to go into the Beagle tomorrow. You good, Peni?"

"Yep. I'm gonna take a break in my dimension soon, and the others said they might stop over during the night."

"We have to go home soon, too," said MJ. B nodded and started picking up plates. "It was good to meet you, Perry. Hope everything goes alright, getting back to your dimension."

Perry tipped his hat and signed, _Thank you._ Peni laughed a little. 

"I think you'd get along well with Noir. You're both the hard-boiled, fedora types."

Ham was in a closet, pulling out a blanket and a pillow. "Perry, I'm sorry, I don't have a guest room. My couch is pretty comfortable, but if you need quiet, we can see if one of my neighbors can take you on theirs."

_The couch is fine. I'm used to building noises. And a pet bed._

"Can't you pull a guest room from your pocket dimension?" asked Peni innocently. Ham gave her a look. 

"That's not how that works."

"Then how _does_ it work?"

"We don't know! But Peni. My dear friend. My pseudo-niece. My favorite robotic tech. What I do know is that I can not pull an _entire room out of thin air_."

"I will learn your secrets one day, mark my words."

"They're not secrets!" Ham sighed. " _Anyway_ , thanks for taking the couch Perry, I feel bad." Perry shrugged, and Ham tossed the blanket and pillow his way. "You need anything before I go to sleep?" He shook his heads no. "Great. Have a good night." Ham headed upstairs, and Perry started setting up a nest on the couch. 

Peni stood up, stretching a little. "Perry, I'm gonna portal back to my dimension for a bit. Have a good night." He gave a thumbs up, and watched as Peni used her pendant to pull open a portal to her workshop. Once she vanished, he walked a few circles in his nest, then settled down. His thoughts drifted, as they had all day, to his family. He burrowed further into the blankets, forcing himself to be content with the fact that he would see them soon. 

~~~

Perry slept fitfully that night, for a number of reasons. The first time he woke up was after a nightmare; he had watched as Phineas and Ferb had been pulled into a portal, beyond which was darkness and noise. As Perry had jumped forward to help them, it had snapped shut, and then he'd woken up. His breathing was a little ragged, and he fought his way out of the blankets to stand up and work off some of the fear. He looked over to see that Peni was back, soldering some component. A tall man sat next to her, dressed in a long black coat and fedora, seemingly holding parts for her. They both looked over at Perry as he sat up, and he remembered what Ham and B had said about their Spider-Sense earlier. 

"Hi Perry. This is Noir. You ok?" He gave a quick nod to Noir, who he could now see unmistakably a younger, monochromatic B, then looked back at Peni.

_Fine. Nightmare._

Peni and Noir nodded solemnly, the latter gesturing towards him. "Come sit with us. I find the soldering soothing, sometimes." Perry walked over and laid down, almost under the coffee table. Peni went back to her work, leaving Perry and Noir to sit in companionable silence. After a while, Perry drifted off, the sound of soldering comforting in its familiarity.

~~~

The next time he woke up, he was gently poked on the shoulder by a boy with curly hair, a blonde girl standing nervously behind him. "Hi, Perry, right? Sorry, we just need you to move, and we felt weird just picking you up, good to meet you by the way, Ham said-"

"Miles, how many of those iced coffee things did you have?" asked the girl, putting a hand on Miles' shoulder

"Just two!"

"You know how caffeine affects us!" The girl rolled her eyes. "Sorry, Perry." Perry blinked a little, waving away the apology. He came out from under the coffee table and stumbled back to his couch nest, crawling inside. 

"I'm just trying to get some studying done," Miles muttered. Perry heard something scraping across the floor as he fell back asleep. He vaguely hoped that the project was going well, and then he was gone.

~~~

The third and final time, he woke up to a cold headache, right between his eyes. He laid there for a while, hoping it would fade, but it didn't. Finally, he got up, figuring he'd try and find some kind of pain medicine. He looked over to see Peni alone, still tinkering with something. She looked over at him at that point, and he was surprised to see worry in her eyes.

"You've got the headache, don't you? Like a shard of ice, right in the center?"

Perry stared at her. _How did you know that?_

She sighed, and put her tools down. "We should have told you sooner, but I think we hoped it wouldn't be an issue. But…" She looked back at the machine, taking in the exposed wires and blinking lights. "The thing with dimensional shifting? Our bodies weren't built for it. After a while, they start to break down. That headache is the first sign, usually starts about 12 hours in a dimension."

Perry, not sure he wanted the answer, signed, _How long do I have?_

"A few days before irreversible damage." She looked back at him, determination in her eyes. "And I will have it done by then. But before that, about a day after you get to a new dimension, you start glitching. That's what we call it, at least. It's...not pleasant." She suddenly looked so, so tired, and Perry felt like someone had punched him in the gut. She was young, probably the youngest of the spiders he'd seen, and someone that young should _not_ have those kinds of emotions, like the weight of the world was on her shoulders. 

_Where are the others?_

"I made them go home. Gwen and Miles both have a test tomorrow, and we made a promise that we would make the others freaking sleep before those." She grinned a little. "It's weird, sometimes, simultaneously being like 'you gotta sleep for your test', but then also being like 'let's go fight this super villain!' Life is weird." 

Perry nodded. _Don't worry. You're doing fine, this isn't your fault._

Peni really smiled at that. "You really do fit in here, don't you? If I had a nickel anytime one of the others texted me that…" Perry awkwardly patted her shoulder. 

He looked around, then asked, _Is there any medicine that might help with the headache?_

"Tylenol, usually. Ham should have some in the cabinet in the bathroom." Perry nodded and went into the small room. He looked at all the bottles, and realized that everything had some kind of animal pun name. B's rant made much more sense. He grabbed a bottle that looked promising, read the label carefully, and took one. As he swallowed the pill, he had a troubling realization.

He went back out and got Peni's attention, then urgently signed, _What about you? Are you gonna glitch? You've been here as long as I've have._

"Oh! I've been taking breaks in my dimension. Thank you for worrying though!" Perry nodded, relieved. 

_Do you need any help?_

"I think I'm good. You get some sleep. We'll have you back soon." He nodded again, and went back to his nest. As he laid there, the headache did start fading a little, and he slowly fell asleep, this time for good.

~~~

The next morning and afternoon was a whirlwind of activity, and Perry kept to his nest for the most part. He felt like he'd get in the way, and the headache was getting worse. Ham ran through at some point, shouting about being late. Noir came in for a bit, holding a part high up while Peni welded, and B came by to once again make sure Peni ate ("For as ridiculous all our metabolisms are, you'd think we'd be better at this…"). Perry kept taking Tylenol, and watched as the machinery took shape in the living room. 

Ham came home early in the afternoon, clearly agitated. "How's it going?"

"I think I'm almost done. I don't know if I'll make the 24 hours though."

Ham turned to Perry. "Ok, here's the thing-"

Perry cut him off. _I know. It's ok._

"Oh. Ok. I'm sorry about this." Perry shrugged. There was nothing for it now. Ham checked his watch. "You got here around four pm yesterday. We have about two hours." Perry nodded, then winced as his head pulsed. 

_I'm gonna lay down._

"Absolutely. We'll let you know when we know things."

2:45

"Phineas and Ferb are getting the right readings. They're really good at this."

_Yes. Yes they are._ Perry signed. 

3:15

Peni, who had been typing for the past fifteen minutes, sat back. "OK. This needs to collate for thirty minutes. Then, it'll either be ready, or just need some minor changes."

"We might just make it."

_Yay_

"Yay, indeed." A portal popped open, and Miles jumped through. 

"Did I miss him?"

"Nope, Still here. How'd your test go?"

"What, are we just going to have a party at my house now?" asked Ham. 

"Yes."

"Thank you, Peni."

Miles came over to Perry, waving. "I just wanted to talk to you more, you seem cool!" He seemed a little calmer than he had the night before, seemingly no longer running on caffeine and study energy. As Ham had predicted, Gwen, B, and Noir showed up soon after, and someone pulled out cards. 

Despite his headache, Perry _crushed them_. "See? Secret Agent! Good at cards!"

"B, are you implying that playing cards was, like, part of his training?"

_It was._

"WHY?"

3:40

The Spider-Fam were cackling at a Doofenshmirtz story when a timer went off on Peni's wrist. "Five minutes, everyone. Start your goodbyes now, we want to throw him through the portal as soon as possible."

_Please don't throw me._

"Awww."

"Miles!"

"I'm kidding!" Miles stood up and shook Perry's hand. "We might need to call on you some time. You seem like a helpful guy to have around."

_I'd be up for that._

"Sweet!"

"Hey Perry, don't forget," called Ham. "A need to protect everyone at your own expense is not a full mental health plan."

"Oh crap," said Gwen. "He really is one of us." That made everyone laugh, including Perry. Everyone else said their goodbyes, and Perry was feeling content, despite the ever-present pain in his head. 

A beep came from the computer, and Peni went over to check it. "Ladies, gentlemen, and Ham...we did it!" 

"Nice!" 

"I knew it!" Miles ran over and hugged Peni, Gwen close behind. 

"Now, as soon as we get Perry back and the pendant handed over, you are going to sleep," said B. 

"Fine."

Perry was confused. _What pendant?_

"We made Phineas and Ferb a pendant. It's better for them to have this one then them trying to make their own. Sped up the whole process." Perry hesitated. He wasn't sure how he felt about this, given what had happened in the past. But then he looked around again, and realized he trusted that these people wouldn't put them in danger. He couldn't let his fears stop the boys from being themselves, and he knew they wouldn't rest, knowing this tech existed. At least now, he knew that they had people who knew what they were doing. He smiled.

_Thanks for everything. Hope to see you all again. I'm going into pet mode before you open the portal._ Peni gave a thumbs up and pressed a button as Perry took off his hat and went down on all fours. 

The now-familiar blobs appeared, swirling and shining, before a circle opened up, revealing two familiar, wide-eyed faces. "Perry!" Phineas jumped through the portal, grabbing Perry up, hugging him tight. Ferb came through too and rubbed his head. Perry sighed and rested his head on Phineas' shoulder. 

Peni walked over and handed Phineas an orange and green pendant. "This should work the way we talked about. Any questions?"

"Loads! But we should get back, mom's about to put out pie. Do you all want some?"

"I don't think today, we've got things to clean up. But we will be in touch, you two are talented."

"Great! See you all later!" The Spider-Fam waved, and Phineas, Ferb, and Perry went through the portal. Phineas turned and pressed a button on the pendant, causing the portal to close. He turned to look at Perry. "Peni said you might be in a little pain because of the dimensional travel. You doing ok, buddy?" Perry chattered and headbutted his shoulder. "Let's get you a snack, boy."

Perry smiled. He had made some new friends, yes, and he was excited for the new adventures. But now he was home, and he was ready to just be there for a bit. 

Candace ran outside, their mom in tow. "Where is it?"

"The big one got absorbed when the portal opened," explained Phineas. "So we use this now." he held up the pendant.

"Oh! I didn't know they were still making Tamagotchis!" Linda held the pendant for a second. "Looks fun, kids. Let's have pie." Candace slowly sat down on the lawn, and stared into the middle distance. "Candace, when you're done, come in too."

"Ok, mom."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sick guitar riff* 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Let me know if you have any prompt ideas for more fun stories in this crossover, I'm @one-true-houselight on tumblr. Have a good day!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave kudos and/or a comment! I'm on tumblr @one-true-houselight if you want to give me prompts or just chat. I'm friendly! Next chapter should be out soon. :)


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